I sat in my OBGYN’s waiting room with my brand new baby, waiting for my name to be called and still not even sure why I had made the appointment in the first place.
My little one had just turned 12 weeks old and I had just started back to work managing the pharmacy… but something wasn’t right.
Why did I feel so much regret in my heart?
Was this really how being a mother was supposed to feel? It can’t be.
And because no one ever warned me about this part, I thought there must be something wrong with me.
I kept hearing a voice from within telling me - -‘You’re not really good at this at all. You should have never had children. What were you thinking?
And why am I mad at my husband for not understanding when I don’t even understand what’s wrong with me.
Not to mention there was a part of me that felt an overwhelming amount of guilt for having a baby that I felt very ill-equipped to care for.
All of these thoughts swirled around in the mind of 25 year old me until someone tapped me on my shoulders and I looked up to see a nurse who had apparently called me two or three times already and I simply didn’t hear her.
The doctor walked in just as I was rehearing for the 100th time all the questions I wanted to ask him, but when he asked what brought me in today, I froze and simply said, I just don’t feel like myself.
He asked me a couple more direct questions and then handed me a questionnaire to fill out and said a nurse would be in to see me in a few minutes.
The nurse came in, collected my questionnaire, and then the doctor came back in to tell me that I what I was experiencing was common and that after 30 days we could change the prescription if I wasn’t feeling any better.
Was that it?
All of these panicky, uncontrolled feeling were essentially summed up into a cocktail of diagnosis in a 20 appointment?
Post Partum Panic Disorder
Postpartum Post- Traumatic Stress Disorder
And what prescription? I was’t on any prescriptions and we sure didn’t discuss any.
I made that appointment to request labs on my thyroid & hormone levels only to be handed a prescription for a slew of medications that I didn’t fully understand.
So there I sat in my SUV in the parking lot, weeping as my baby slept soundly in the back seat. I knew something was wrong with me, but I never suspected this.
In that moment there was nothing I could do with the elephant weight sitting on my chest. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t see past the tears, and I wasn’t sure where to go.
On the outside looking in, it appeared that I had it all, and had it all together...but the truth was, home was a sad place to be. church was a condemning place to be, work took me away from my baby, and I was so overwhelmed.
And even though he tried, my husband couldn’t fully understand how to help me.
I didn’t have any family or friends I could call on.
It felt like it was just me.
The devil played on all of those emotions and added more to them.
In my mind, I felt like I was a depressed person, with a failing marriage, no friends, college work piling up, debt to pay and people at work hounding me about why I had to take so many breaks to pump. ( I nursed both of my babies)
My thoughts often echoed, ‘Maybe people were right about me after all. Maybe I’m actually not good at anything and will never amount to much.’
That was such a dark season in my life and although it was so, so painful and even remembering those moments to put them on paper is painful, I wouldn’t change any of it at all…because through all of my weaknesses I was able to see God’s strength up close and personal.
You see up until then, I’d been living my life according the norms and the standard of the society around me.
I enrolled in a pharmacy program because society said school was the only way to be successful.
I got married because I believed in the 'Happily Ever After'
I had a baby because that’s what society said was necessary in order to complete my family.
I got a loan for a new car because society said having debt was a normal part of life and that I should get used to it.
Do you see my trend?
I placed a lot of merit in what society had to say my life should be; who are you living your life for?
Is your dream yours?...Or someone else's.
It was all just too much.
After a while, the depression started to manifest itself in rage as I lashed out to those closest to me.
I couldn’t handle extra stress, so for months I shut everyone unnecessary to daily life out & operated my life from a place of survival mode.
Go to work, get home, take care of my baby.
There was no room or energy for anything else….
I cried out to God so many lonely nights, wondering why he allowed my life to be so miserable. And honestly, I’d given up go God, because it felt like he had given up on me.
Growing up in christian home taught me how to check off the christian list of dos and don’ts, but never taught me how to cultivate a true relationship with Him.
Even still, He didn’t give up on me. Hindsight I know he was there the entire time, but the only thing I could see was my failures and my issues.
Even though the season was such a dark and lonely one, I could still see glimmers of hope every once in a while, flickers of light and that somehow gave me the strength to keep believing in something better.
Now I can sit back and tell the stories of how the Lord moved mountains out of my way and in the most hilarious ways placed people into my life that spoke new oxygen into who I was as a child of God —and not what I was experiencing.
My Creator ignited miracles in me and through me and little by little, until I was able to see the forest among the trees.
Somewhere along the way I learned that I was not my issues.
I was not failing, but I was in transition.
I had to learn to yield and completely surrender my will to His.
Once I did that, the hard stuff just stared to move out of my way and I'm so dang grateful that it continues to do so.
I only tell you this story because I know you’re going through a tough time right now. I tell you this to give you hope. You may feel worthless and you may hate the way your life is going, but if you still have breath in your lungs and a will to keep going…then there’s hope for your future.
Young mothers will forever have a soft spot in my heart — that is why I created The Millennial Homemakers Facebook group where I can lead as I’m being led.
There is so much power in simply knowing someone is going to show up for you, because they care for you; having accountability + the desire to finally start thriving in your life.
My purpose in life is to show up for you because I believe in your thriving life for you, even if you can't see it right now. If you want to connect more or join the conversation, click the link to the Facebook group.